That’s me in the picture. I’m probably in the fourth grade, a year before my father passed away.
I first laid eyes on this photo last month. It was in a pile of pictures my father took of me, and when I leafed through the black and whites and my eyes landed upon this one, my heart dropped. Maybe time stopped.
So many questions overwhelmed me.
- Why did he take this picture?
- Did he instruct me to stand there?
- Why would a father ask his child to pose in a place meant for excrement?
- Did I understand what manure meant?
- Did I pose willingly or grudgingly? (My face says the latter).
- Was this some warped way of being creative?
- Did my father view me this way?
- Did I?
I started back in therapy this year because of my father. Though I have been perpetrated against by others (and you know my story), he is my first perpetrator. I’m afraid to even write this because I know it will make people angry. I know it will be dismissed. I am told he loved me. I am told he liked spending time with me. I am told many things.
But my memories are haunted.
Of pornographic images he took. Of other women, proudly showing them to me, wanting me to approve of their artistry. Of me, naked. Of men, naked, with me sitting naked on their laps while they read me stories. Of me having to wash my naked father. (So much nakedness). Of coarse talk about sex when I was a preschooler.
This is not the love of a good father.
For so long I needed him to be my hero. But as the memories unspilled from me, I realized heroes and villains live on a hair’s breadth.
I cannot reconcile him. For now? He’s a villain, having teetered off with my discovery of this photo.
It was only later, after I met Jesus, and after a few decades of following Him that I realized He was the hero, the One who loved me well. He who suffered outside Jerusalem’s gates, who bore the shame of every single sin (even my father’s sins, even mine). His love for me dignified me, drew me from the muck and the mire, from the manure receptacle, and gloriously set me on a new trajectory.
I am worth more than the sadness of this photo. I may be the daughter of a father who exploited, but I am also the daughter of the One who was exploited. Who was treated like refuse. Who weeps when little girls pose in front of disturbing messages.
I am worth more.
And so are you.
I don’t have a neat way to tie up this post, other than to say I survived my father. He died when I was ten. And I lived longer than he walked this earth. I lived long enough to meet Jesus, to experience loads of healing, and to have the unique privilege of bearing your stories and empathizing with you.
But I still grieve.
I am still healing.
I try to understand this photo, but I cannot.
…
Honesty: I have been doing therapy for two reasons: my father and the release of WE TOO. I knew I needed some support when the book released, and now that it has, I sincerely ask that you pray for me as I hear more stories like mine. Pray Jesus would bear my burdens as I bear others.
And if you feel that this issue of sexual abuse needs to be talked about and dealt with redemptively, you can pick up a copy here:
It’s 1:30 am as I tap this out on my phone. I woke for a mid-sleep pit-stop, so grabbed my phone for a quick scroll through Twitter. A new post from Mary–that’s bound to inspire or challenge me as I go back to sleep.
Now sleep eludes me, thinking of you, in this photo. Thinking of who took it, and why, and everything else he took from you, as I try, try, try, to understand.
The one thought, the only hope, that will let me return to slumber, is that you’ve found rest in the arms of a Father who truly loves you.
Amen to that. It’s true. Thank you, Doug.
Your post provoked a memory, of being like trash.
I’m sure that my parents were having fun and believing they were playing with their children. In their mind it was all a game of pretend. They knew it was make believe. I didn’t. I was rolled up in a carpet while they joked about throwing it in the trash.
I have similar questions with this memory in front of me. I told a therapist who was appalled that my parents couldn’t recognize the terror in my face or stop the game knowing I was frightened. I remember feeling defensive of them, telling her that they couldn’t see my face because I was rolled up in the carpet.
The details of this incident are foggy, but believing I was trash was a part of the foundation of my identity.
Jesus has brought me out of that belief, but it took decades.
Hope
Oh wow, I’m so sorry about that, Hope.
Hope, I am so sorry that this is part of your memories … I had something similar happen when I was little. My father liked to tell everyone that he found me in the garbage in an alley. He also liked to use a Spanish slang word for a prostitute as a “term of endearment” for me. While I think I understood that he didn’t literally find me in a garbage can out back (or that I wasn’t actually that word), I often remember looking at him with bewilderment. Why would you say that to your kid? What is it about me that is so easy to dismiss as rubbish?
These are things we may never understand. Thankfully we have a Father who knows who we are and how to love us.
Annie, I keep wondering what was going through their minds – your parents, Mary’s father, my parents, and other parents – when they talk to and about their children with so much disregard. The worst thing it does is that it makes it so hard to imagine a God who loves us as much as He does. It’s hard to even understand what it means to be loved. But it is so so sweet when we can finally “get it”.
Mary, my heart breaks looking at that photo. My heart hurts with you. Keep going. You are meant to make a difference in SO MANY LIVES!!! Continued prayers!
Than you, dear Linda.
That’s my prayer. I’m a bit weary today.
Sending you love and prayers for continued healing. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. You have blessed so many with your writing and your willingness to share the hard stuff.
I’m grateful to hear that.
My heart breaks for you… so much pain in this picture… I saw it on FB last night and couldn’t sleep. For you, or any child, to be posed in this way by your father is unfathomable. I’m thankful for your healing, and pray that the Spirit of Jesus will continue to wrap you in unconditional love.
I couldn’t sleep either. God must be keeping us up to pray!
Your bravery to live unconcealed may have you reeling. I’ve been that way. Feeling empowered to expose the real stories of my struggles only wanting to then go and hide in a deep pit. God is teaching me gently accompanied by some grief, He cannot heal what I keep concealed. I’m just barely into your book. I’ll be posting a review soon.
Thank you so much for posting a review. And thank you for your sweet words.
Mary
you are so much stronger than you know you have a story to tell and you are doing it with so much bravery.
Be proud of all others you are helping and showing them a way to heal and forgive.FORGIVENESS is for you
to move forward forward not for the evil ones Gods heart must have been broken when he saw that picture.
Memories of so many things over the years seem to wash over us unexpectedly.We must somehow find
how to move forward if only at a snails pace and be grateful for the joy that comes our way today.
Praying for your healing sister and sending a huge hug .Know you are loved and have a purpose today!!!!
linda
Hi Mary,
I was just introduced to you last week on Leslie Vernick’s Facebook live. As a I result, I have been receiving your emails and have been introduced to Jimmy Hinton’s excellent podcast where you were also interviewed.
You have touched my heart deeply. Your bravery, humility, honesty and heart to help hurting others is like a beautiful bouquet of the love of Christ offered through you.
I love you, appreciate you and am so grateful for you. I am praying for you.
Judy
I’m so grateful you’ve enjoyed Jimmy’s podcast. SO HEALING. Thanks, too, for the prayers. They are needed.
Praying for you , what the enemy meant for evil
God is using for his good for those that love him 🙂 You are turning ashes for beauty , the enemy will try to attack your mind with thoughts when your breakthrough is around the corner , cast down the enemies lies , you are perfect in Gods sight 🙂 God bless you
Amen ! True for all of us who are fighting strong holds. In the name of Jesus, every knee must bow!! Let’s keep putting on the armor of God!! Amen sisters
Amen. I agree.
I’m so sorry. Your father seemed to be a willing vessel for satan to use. This very picture seems like a satan taunt to me. I know of what I write. I’ve met several of these vessels in my life as well. They create confusion and frustration to their victims. I wish you God’s healing upon your mind, spirit and body. It can sometimes take a lot of time to sort it all out, but it’s worth it. That is how it is stopped for future generations. Time is on your side. Much love. Sherry
Thank you. Healing is here. It has happened, and it keeps happening, thankfully.
Mary, I just found your emails last week, and it feels like perfect timing. After ten years of struggling through dissociative issues from childhood and frequent attacks of spiritual oppression, I am finally getting to the place where all of my digging in is really beginning to gain momentum. Your email that describes what happened to you and how it has affected your sexuality has been helpful for my husband to read as the oppression often follows sexual intimacy. Whenever I start to feel discouraged, God helps me to keep focusing on Him and trusting in His promises. Thank you so much for your openness and honesty! Much appreciated!
I am so grateful that the emails have been helpful! I’m so sorry for what you have walked through.
What sweet reminders, thank you Dianna.
Thank you.
Weeping with you, Mary. No words. Lifting you up before our true, loving Father. Sending you hugs and so much love from afar. Thank you for being you, fearfully and wonderfully made you.
Thank you for your voice, too, Anna.
Thank you Mary for your bravery and boldness to step out and speak up. The 2 things I have lacked to protect myself from being molested when I was a child. Thank you for writing WE TOO! I know it will turn the tides a little at first but then more as it is shared! I pray for all of us little ones that are trying to dig out way out of the pile of manure that was dumped on us. God is faithful and He is the One that brings our breakthroughs! Thank you again Mary! OX
Yes, yes, He is faithful. I’m so sorry for what you’ve endured.
Oh Mary, my heart breaks for you. I don’t know you, but I feel like I do. You are so brave. Thank you for being a prophetic voice in the church right now.
I am glad you have surrounded yourself with support as the book releases. I am glad that if you had to find this picture, you found it at a time when you were prepared with support.
God has raised you up as a prophet, no less than those of the Old Testament who spoke out against the sin of Israel. Satan has tried to destroy you, but Jesus didn’t let him, and he never will. Your testimony is a pleasing sacrifice to the Lord, and it will touch many, and save many more from ever going through this hell.
Thank you for laying your life on the altar.
There will no doubt be more attacks, but Jesus is fighting the battle for you. I’m holding you up in prayer, as are many others.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Pslam 37:6 NLT
I am so humbled that you would pray, Rebecca. Your words are a healing balm.
Thank you for your courage, Mary. I’m sure it is helping many others to heal.
Thank you so much, Mike.
MaryLee I’m so sorry to hear this. I dont know your story except for this we share. My father was my main perpetrator. He died at 48. I was 26. Much love to you darling sister in Christ. I’m praying for you.
Thank you for your kindhearted words, Melinda.
I have come to understand the degradation of these men, who had so much power over us, was part of their need to control us. By managing to convince us we had no real worth, they knew we wouldn’t have the courage to try to find someone to help us.
My father always introduced me as “a day late and a dollar short,” then he would laugh. I was eighteen when I found the courage to notify an attorney and threaten my father with prosecution if he didn’t pack and leave ‘my mother’s home.’ That was the beginning of personal healing.
It breaks my heart that as children we were made to feel so completely worthless. I look at my children and can’t imagine ever hurting them. We can break the chain of abuse, and we have. Blessings!
OH MY. What a mean thing to say! WHY!!!!
Oh Mary! My heart dropped when I saw the picture before I got to the post! I am so thankful God is meeting you in every turn and giving you the ability to stand up for other women even when you get pierced by the pain at times still. Hugs my precious sister!!!
Thank you so much, Kathy.
Mary, I wish I could say that I did not understand the photo before the post, but I do. I have a physics degree, MBA and law degree, but that photo describes how my parents (both) saw me. Compost is useful, and that is all I was when I performed to specifications. I had to be “perfect” without so much as a whimper no matter what time constraints or any other factor was present. As an adult I blew my top due to the pressure many times, including many times the guards/police were called. I know people look down on me, but it is hard to care. I was always told I was too fat and ugly by my parents. I was only useful, never their daughter they loved. It is hard not to hate and want revenge, yet the “nice” church ladies yell loudly how awful I am. I do not fit into social clubs, including church. God has put me in a church, but I would like to lead a group for abused people, particularly narcissistic abuse by a parent(s). I cannot do it right now, though.
I am so very sorry for all you have suffered, Maggie. This breaks my heart. Thank you for persevering. I love that you still want to help others.
The picture hurts my heart, as a father and a child.
Thank you, Jim. I appreciate your empathy.
Your email said that your post was both excruciating and full of hope. Looking at the picture, I could not imagine both. If anyone can feel a picture, this is one I can feel. And it is absolutely heartbreaking. You were right though, the goodness and faithfulness of our Hero overcomes all. What healing we have left to do will be made complete in Heaven. Until then, we love Him and trust Him. Also, thank you for being so vulnerable and honest. I pray for you often but am helped so much by your posts and so grateful that you are willing to write them. To know that you still have healing to do helps me feel less alone in my seemingly endless healing. You are a gift to those who are hurting, to those who don’t, but want to understand, to those who are willing to fight with us, and to those who love someone who has been abused. Thank you.
Yes, this is a long healing journey, and I AM STILL doing it!
Mary, please forgive me. I was not faithful to read these posts of your, but I am only now coming out of a very long and wearisome health trial. Now that I am on the other side of that (the surgery actually took away not only the abdominal pain but the shoulder and neck pain as well). Praise God. It is such a difficult thing for me to read of the things that happened to you at the hands of your father. My father never touched me in that manner. It was my mother’s brothers that did that and they violated my brothers as well. My mother came from a very perverted family and I have had to deal with that generational curse, as have my son and daughter, and prayerfully not my granddaughters! God has done a ton of healing in my life and has shown me how much He loves me.
Thank you for breaking into the silence of the church concerning this issue. God will use you mightily as you use your testimony to help free others. I will pray for that. God bless you, Mary, and give you the boldness and the perseverance to do what He has called you to do.
Jo Dee, Thank you for your kind words. It is my privilege to share.